When working with children who exhibit challenging behaviors, understanding the process of externalization can be transformative. Externalization, a concept rooted in narrative therapy, involves separating a child’s actions from their sense of self, helping them see that their behaviors do not define them. By shifting how we frame behaviors, children can develop a healthier self-image, reduce shame, and improve their resilience. Here’s an exploration of how externalization can help your child and why it’s a powerful tool for parents to understand.
Understanding Externalization and Its Purpose
Externalization is a therapeutic approach that encourages viewing a child's behaviors as actions they do, rather than as reflections of who they are. The purpose is to help both parents and children understand that challenging behaviors are not indicative of the child's character or core identity. Instead, these behaviors often stem from underlying emotions, unmet needs, or struggles. By framing behaviors this way, externalization empowers children to see themselves beyond their actions and fosters a more compassionate, solution-focused mindset from parents.
To better understand your child's behaviors, it can be helpful to imagine an iceberg. The tip of the iceberg represents everything that is visible on the surface, the child's observable emotions like joy, sadness, anger, fear, and surprise, as well as their behaviors such as tantrums, aggression, or defiance. These are the actions and reactions that are easiest to see and often what parents and caregivers respond to.
However, just like an iceberg, much of what influences a child's behavior lies beneath the surface. Below the waterline, there are deeper layers of emotions, thoughts, and experiences that aren't as immediately visible but are just as important in understanding the child's actions. This submerged portion includes secondary emotions such as guilt, shame, embarrassment, jealousy, loneliness, and anxiety which are often harder to observe because they are more complex and require a greater level of vulnerability to express.
Additionally, beneath the surface are automatic negative thoughts and self-beliefs, such as "I'm not good enough," "Nobody likes me," or "I'm not loved." These deeply held beliefs shape how children see themselves and the world around them, but they are not something you can directly see or immediately address through behavior alone. It's important to recognize that these hidden thoughts and emotions often drive the more visible behaviors at the surface.
By thinking of your child's behavior as just the tip of the iceberg, you can start to look beyond the immediate actions and explore what might be going on beneath the surface. Understanding the emotional and mental struggles your child is facing can help you respond with more empathy and support, addressing the underlying causes of their behavior rather than just the behavior itself. This deeper understanding can lead to more effective solutions and, ultimately, help your child feel seen, heard, and understood.
The Downsides of Defining A Child By Their Behavior
It's common for children to become defined by their actions, as behaviors are often the most visible part of who they are. However, when children are primarily seen through the lens of their actions, it can have unintended consequences, both for their self-esteem and for how parents respond. There are two key downsides to defining a child by their behaviors.
First, children may begin to internalize criticism of their actions, leading them to believe that they are inherently "bad" or flawed. When children are repeatedly told that their behavior is wrong, they may start to overgeneralize, assuming that their mistakes define them as a person. This can result in a negative self-image that grows over time, making them feel that their worth is tied to their mistakes rather than their potential for growth and change.
The second downside is that it can limit how parents respond to their child's needs. When a child's behavior is the sole focus, the natural tendency is for parents to respond with behavioral solutions such as reprimands, consequences, and critiques. While these strategies can sometimes be helpful in the short term, they don't address the deeper emotional needs that often drive the behavior. To create lasting change, parents need to look beyond the surface actions and understand the feelings and unmet needs underlying those behaviors. Children act out for reasons, whether it's frustration, insecurity, or a need for attention, and until the root causes are acknowledged, the behavior may continue, even with consequences in place.
By practicing externalization, parents can create a more compassionate environment where children are not judged by their mistakes but instead are supported through their challenges. This approach encourages parents to ask questions like, "What is my child trying to communicate through this behavior?" and "How can I help them understand and express their emotions in healthier ways?" When parents focus on the needs behind their actions, they can
foster a more supportive, long-term solution that helps children learn and grow rather than feel trapped by their mistakes.
How Externalization Affects Behavior and Self-Perception
When children separate their behaviors from their identity, they begin to see themselves more positively because they no longer define themselves by their mistakes or challenges. This shift helps them recognize that behaviors are actions they can change, rather than fixed aspects of
who they are. By understanding that they are not "bad" because of a misstep or difficult behavior, children can develop a greater sense of self-worth and compassion. This empowers them to approach future challenges with a mindset focused on growth, rather than being weighed down by feelings of inadequacy or shame.
Externalization has the power to:
Empower children to take control over their actions by seeing them as distinct entities.
Improve problem-solving abilities as children learn to “talk back” to behaviors or emotions, like saying, “I don’t have to listen to anger when it tells me to yell.”
Boost self-esteem by reinforcing the idea that they are more than their behaviors.
Foster emotional resilience by helping them feel empowered to overcome adversity, recognizing that making mistakes is okay and that setbacks are opportunities to try again.
Techniques for Practicing Externalization
Here are some methods parents can use to encourage externalization in daily life:
● Give the Behavior a Name: Identify a challenging behavior or feeling, like anger, and give it a name like “Mr. Grumpy.” This allows the child to view it as a character that can come and go rather than something ingrained in their identity. For younger children, it can even be helpful to encourage the child to “talk” to the behavior. For example, they could say, “I see you, Mr. Grumpy, but I’m not going to let you control me.”
● Use Visual Cues: Draw a picture of the behavior and ask your child how they'd like to handle it when it arises. This visual separation can help children see the behavior as something manageable. Using art in this way not only provides a creative outlet for expressing feelings and thoughts, but it also helps children organize and process the
situation. The act of drawing can make abstract concepts more concrete, allowing children to plan and visualize problem-solving strategies in a way that feels more approachable. The process can also reduce anxiety, as it turns the problem into something tangible that they can work with, helping them feel more confident and in control of finding solutions.
● Reinforce Desirable Behavior: When your child successfully manages their behavior, acknowledge that they are in control and name that their actions demonstrate strength and courage. Offering praise and recognition for their effort can be both rewarding and motivating, helping to build their confidence.
● Reframe Negative Self-Talk: Help your child shift from a limiting or self-critical perspective to a more balanced and constructive one by encouraging them to challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive, realistic beliefs. For example, instead of thinking, "I am a bad kid because I get angry," guide them to reframe the thought to, "I sometimes struggle with anger, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person.” By practicing reframing, they begin to rewire their brain into adopting a more positive and rational mindset.
● Acknowledge That Your Love Remains Even When Disappointment Arises: It's important to recognize that two things can coexist. As a parent, you might be disappointed by your child's behavior, but that doesn't alter the love you have for them. It's crucial to communicate this to your child, reassuring them that while their actions may need to be addressed, your unconditional love and support remain unchanged. You can also help them understand the ebb and flow of emotions by saying something like, "I'm disappointed in the choice you made, but I won't stay disappointed in you forever." This helps children feel secure in knowing their value isn't tied to any one moment or mistake.
● Practice Positive Affirmations: When children use daily affirmations, they are encouraged to focus on their strengths, abilities, and values, rather than defining themselves by their mistakes or challenging behaviors. For example, instead of thinking, "I am always angry," a child might affirm, "I can be a kind person, even when I get upset." By repeating affirmations, children can build self-esteem and resilience, learning to approach difficult situations with a positive mindset that doesn’t diminish their inherent worth or potential.
● Remove Negative Labels and Create Actionable Steps: Have your child create a table with two columns. In the first column, have them write down labels they use for themselves, like "I'm a bad listener" or "I'm a poor decision maker." In the second column, have them identify specific actions they can take to improve, such as "I can practice active listening" or "I can pause and think before making decisions." This process empowers them to take ownership of their actions and see that change is within their control, fostering a sense of agency and self-efficacy.
Through these techniques, children can learn to identify and manage behaviors without feeling that these actions define who they are.
Recognizing When to Seek Help
While externalization can be a powerful tool for change, there are times when a child may need additional support to navigate complex emotions and behaviors. If you notice any of the following, it may be time to seek professional guidance:
● Persistent challenging behaviors that don't improve over time
● Struggles with self-esteem or self-worth
● Difficulty managing strong emotions like anger or sadness
● A decline in academic performance or social interactions
● Constant parent-child conflict
Although externalization can significantly improve your child's well-being, it's common for parents to feel overwhelmed in trying to manage this process alone. Partnering with a licensed therapist can provide valuable support, helping you strengthen your skills and create lasting positive changes for both you and your child.
Getting Support at Heritage Counseling
If you and your child are struggling with managing challenging behaviors and emotions, Heritage Counseling can offer therapeutic care that involves teaching evidence-based techniques such as externalization to help facilitate change. Our licensed therapists are equipped to help children and their families navigate these challenges with effective, compassionate approaches. Reach out to Heritage Counseling at 214-363-2345 to learn more about how we can support your family through these times.
